Monday, November 29, 2010

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin laid an egg.

Now that Thanksgiving is past, I've moved directly into Christmas Music Season. This is the time when any street cred I've built up with my kids, as far as being a "cool Mom", goes directly to hell. I can listen to all the Katie Perry and Lady Gaga that I want, but as soon as I start spinning Dolly Parton and Kenny Roger's Christmas Album, it's all over. "Jesus, Mom. Do you have to play that crap? I want to shoot myself in the head." I'm not cool anymore, the cat is out of the bag. I revert to my snaggle toothed old self, an aging soccer mom who rocks out to Karen Carpenter instead of Lil' Wayne. Discuss:

WHY do we listen to Christmas music anyway? Enquiring young minds want to know. I THINK it is because Christmas is all about traditions, and christmas music brings us back to the fond memories of the past. When I play Jim Reeves, I think of my mother baking her Christmas Scotch cookies and I can almost smell them. When I hear "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree", I laugh and I dance, badly. I think of all the Christmas office parties of my past. Someone played that song and the vodka kicked in, and before you knew it, my bosses who normally had a stick up their conservative asses, were dancing, badly, with tinsel around their necks. "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" reminds me of how my sister who lived in Bermuda came home one Christmas and insisted we roast chestnuts, because living in a country without snow wasn't Christmasy enough. So many fond memories of my past are evoked from simply listening to cheesy Christmas music.

So how come MY kids aren't looking back at the Yuletide seasons of THEIR youth with similar warm and fuzzy feelings? "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" should invoke something pleasant in their minds. In retrospect, perhaps our impulsive, hormonally directed decision to do what we SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE under the Christmas tree. We THOUGHT the kids were in bed, our bad, so maybe that had something to do with their complete aversion to that song? "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" means nothing to kids who have never seen real snow. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your hearts be gay..." That means something different in this day and age.

Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations, in hoping that my kids will enjoy the trip down memory lane that these tunes evoke in me. I'll concede the point there. However, why must they try and wreck it for me? "Mom, every time you play 'Silver Bells", I throw up a little in my mouth. Stop it." "Mom, if you make me listen to Karen Carpenter singing "I'll be Home for Christmas", I'll run away, become anorexic and die from it, I swear I will."

So, What's a Mama to do? It's so not fair. I've tried to modernize a bit, but it isn't the same. I have the Barenaked Ladies Christmas cd and as clever as the lyrics are, it doesn't move me the way Kenny and Dolly can. Maybe I'll go online and see if Snoop Dog has any Holiday offerings, "Christmas Wrap" bad pun intended. In the meantime, I'll keep blasting my antiquated music and will continue to torture my kids with it. I know what they want for Christmas. They want just one, ONE truly "Silent Night". Word. From yo Mama.


  1. Call me a curmudgeon, but I pretty much hate Christmas music, whether it's sung by Burl Ives or Li'l Wayne. It's just the signal of two months' worth of endless torture. It's possible that the kids haven't developed the sentimental look at Christmas songs of the past because they don't have the conception of Christmas... yet. You go ahead and rock it, though! I just wish I had the chance to opt out.

  2. I know exactly how you feel. Though I can listen to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra for a month straight and he wouldn't say a word but put on the Judds Family Chistmas C.D. (it's my favorite) and I get OH GOD MOM due you have to.