Life's a Bitch

Anybody who knows me well knows that I have a hard time relating to some other women. Without exception, the women I have in my life are strong, independent, smart and witty. There is no time for that sub-segment of the female caste that I refer to as "The Silly Bitches." You know the ones. They are the ones who never grew out of their high school personalities. They are weepy, dramatic, clingy, gossipy, and catty. The unvarnished truth is this though: I miss that sometimes. I don't know if it is my XX chromosomes rebelling, but I have found that there is a piece of me that secretly finds Silly Bitch behavior to be amusing. I often thought, "Too bad that there wasn't a hybrid personality of someone who can be all those silly things, but at the same time, I could enjoy them." Then I met my first Drag Queen....

Let me first of all say this: I only know 4 drag queens personally and I've hung out with them both in and out of drag. I realize that does not a scientific sample make, but it is good enough for me to want to announce to the world: I LOVE DRAG QUEENS!! I do, really. Like the female characteristics I am drawn to, they are strong, independent, smart and witty. You have to be strong to have the balls, literally and figuratively speaking, to go into a CVS Pharmacy looking for fingernail adhesive when you are dressed like a Philadelphia hooker. You have to be independent to go against society's norms about how men are SUPPOSED to dress in their spare time. You have to be smart to figure out how to "tuck" What God Gave Ya into a discreet n' neat little package, until it looks like He Didn't Give It To Ya. You don't have to be witty, but I'll be damned if I've ever met a drag queen that wasn't. You have to have a keen sense of humor to make up names like Lady Vajayjay, Jizzona Straynger, Mozie Pornwood. My Drag Queen friends make me laugh out loud, and my most frequent, "laugh till ya tinkle" moments have involved 6 ft tall men in frothy white and pink wigs and kitten heels. While catty, bitchy behavior in women infuriates me, I find it incredibly entertaining and hilarious when I see the same behavior in men, dressed like women. It's showmanship at its bitchy finest. Perhaps in my twisted little brain, I see drama queen bitch behavior coming out of women to be letting our gender down in some way. But these are not women, nor do they WANT to be, so it is ok. I don't know. I don't have to know. I'll just enjoy my hypocrisy for now.


I've learned a lot from my Drag friends. I'll never forget sitting down with a Queen and discussing the pros and cons of press on nails as opposed to acrylic nails. She learned that lesson the day she had to call in sick to her corporate job on a Monday because she couldn't figure out how to get her zebra striped nails off.

Another time, I got tips on where to shop for fashionable shoes in large & wide sizes, from a queen dressed in a pink and lime green pucci dress, and white patent leather, pointy toed high boots. (As a tragic side note: I've been cursed with large, wide feet, so I was thrilled. Perhaps I was a Queen in another life.)

Some of my favorite make up tips have been taught to me by a queen. These guys are masters of illusion because they have so much to compensate for: conspicuous crotch bulges, whiskers, uni-brow, the pronounced adam's apple. These are all things that must be dealt with if the illusion is to be successful. I've been instructed in the power of contour powder and a good push up bra. I now know how to sculpt cheekbones out of nothing, using the same contour powder. If I ever felt the need, I could even give Dolly Parton some competition, using nothing but a pair of rolled up tube socks and double sided adhesive tape.

Sidetracking a bit, I remember once on a trip to Australia, my husband and I went into a Thai restaurant in the Kings Cross district of Sydney. If you've never been, King's Cross is the heart of the gay district of Sydney, although we didn't know that at the time. We were met at the door by a beautiful Thai female hostess. She was tall and slender, wearing a white leather mini skirt, flashing toned legs that had no end. Not that anyone would notice her legs, as she had the most perfect, perky breasts that nature could afford. Long silky hair, almond eyes, perfect skin, perfect teeth, she was a stunningly beautiful woman and my husband was drooling and not hiding it so well. She was giving my man the "come hither" look and I wasn't real happy with that, but then she said, in the deepest of male voices: "You can just seat yourself anywhere you'd like..." Somewhere in the middle of dinner I was still laughing until my pina colada was coming out of my nose. My first clue SHOULD HAVE BEEN "her" pronounced adam's apple, because as my drag friends tell me, "If she has an apple, she has a banana."

Another thing I've learned from having Drag Queen Fabulosity in my life is the ability to say "Fuck you if you don't like what I am." We should all wish to not care what other people think. I was doing a photo shoot last spring with Lady Vajayjay, for a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" campaign she was pushing. We had already started shooting when she decided she needed something in her car, which was parked out on the street. There is a pack of feral adolescent boys who roam our neighborhood on bicycles. My worst nightmare was realized when 6 of them flew around our corner on bicycles just as Lady Vajayjay was teeter tottering on 6 inch stilletos down my driveway, enroute to her car. "Whoa, guys! Is that a DUDE?", yelled the pack leader. They all jammed on their brakes and did a double take as Lady V gave them his biggest smile, and shook his leopard clad mini skirted booty at them. I had a camera in my hands, I don't know why I didn't take the shot. The kids just laughed and kept going, it was no big deal.

Not all of my drag life lessons involve the shallowness of the pursuit of physical perfection. I love to hear about life in the drag community. A Drag mother will take a drag daughter under her wing and teach her the ins and outs of the business. Many of the Queens I know are kind hearted, caring men, who do this to raise money for charity. Absolutely Fabulous, a local gift boutique that I am affiliated with is very generous with time and money and Absolutely FABULOUS sparkly things. The owner likes to do her bit to help local Drag Queens and their charities. I have volunteered my photography talent to my adopted Drag Queen, because as I've always said, "It takes a village to raise a Queen." It is just nice to see people, gay, straight, bi, transgendered WHATEVER, pull together to make this world a better place. I look forward to the day when we can all see our similarities more sharply then our differences.