I recently had a bit of a writer's block, so I put out the call on facebook for blog ideas. I was thrown a few and picked the first one that jumped out at me, "Why I Love Drag Queens", and I discarded the rest of the suggestions. Upon reflection, isn't that the literary equivalent of "cherry picking"? Any writer worth his/her ink should be able to write about any topic, however difficult or mundane. The suggested topics:
James MacLean: What is the overall opinion of the great people in the State of California of their son's and daugthers being in Iraq and Afghanistan. I would be most interested in hearing that as California has always been referred to as the most free thinking state. (This from a man who wears a kilt in his profile picture. Who'd a thunk he'd be more than just a pretty face?)
Sandra Vallez: how cute she is, (her favorite topic)
Alex Cassidy: Why You Love Drag Queens
Janice Hansen: Mani/Pedi/Spa experience
To that end, I've decided to take each topic and write a separate blog as a series. It doesn't matter if I know nothing about it. If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit, my grandma always said.
I'll start with James MacLean's thought provoking question regarding Iraq.
Blog Title: James MacLean: Talking to Americans
Many of my blog readers are Canadian and are familiar with Rick Mercer, the TV host with the funniest show segment on TV, called "Talking to Americans." It features Mr. Mercer talking to Americans on the street and asking them questions about Canadian history, politics, current events. The answers are priceless. Here is yet another Canadian with a big question for Americans: "What is the overall opinion of the great people in the State of California of their sons and daughters being in Iraq and Afghanistan?
I took to the streets, armed with a tape recorder. The first person I encountered was Miss South Carolina who recently moved to California to pursue a career in world peace. Knowing she is used to answering the tough questions, I said, "What is the overall opinion of the great people in the State of California of their sons and daughters being in Iraq and Afghanistan?" Without blinking an eye or missing a beat, she replied, "I personally believe that U.S. Californians are in Iraq and Afghanistan, and like, places, such as because some people out there in our state don't have maps; and our soldiers, like, such as in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like, such as, Afghanistan and i believe they should, our soldiers should, help Iraq and Afghanistan and the Asian countries, so we can build up the future. And bring about world peace. Thank you." I thought, "Wow. Smart. She didn't even have to THINK about that answer." I was off to a great start.
The next person I ran across, literally because his high heel was caught in a crack in the sidewalk, was Drag Queen Extraordinaire, Lady Vajayjay, a well known drag queen here in Southern California. Lady Vajayjay's male self, Vic Carmona, was discharged from the navy under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, so his and her political commentary was definitely something I'd like to hear. "Lady Vajayjay, What is the overall opinion of the great people in the State of California of their son's and daugthers being in Iraq and Afghanistan?" "Mother F**kin', spike heels!!!! How can I be my fabulous self when I keep falling in the sidewalk cracks! I'll bet those strong, handsome boys over in Iraq and Afghanistan don't have to deal with cracked sidewalks. Oh, GIRL.....can you IMAGINE walking in heels in the desert? Makeup would SO melt in the desert sun, but I'm SO PROUD of those big strong soldiers over there fighting for democracy and the american way. I just want to french kiss a soldier right now..." Ok. This was going well.
Certain that I saw Lindsey Lohan, I ducked into the 24 hour nightclub and found her starting a fight with the disc jockey. "Excuse me, Miss Lohan, I"m talking to Americans with an important question from James MacLean. What is the overall opinion of the great people in the State of California of their son's and daugthers being in Iraq and Afghanistan?" She looked at me with her hair in knots and her mascara smeared and said, "I am happy to see California's sons and daughters fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. If it weren't for my father, Michael Lohan, they wouldn't be there. My mother voted for George Bush, so it is her fault too. And Samantha Ronson? That Patrone swillin' bitch, it's her fault that I'm not over there fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan myself. I'm too busy fighting HER skank ass self, I don't have time to be fighting there. Now get out of my f**cking face before I f**cking slap you with my oversize f**king Hermes Birkin Bag, Bitch!" This is great and THIS is why our soldiers fight, to defend our right to talk like that and to carry $10,000 purses.
I decided for my last interview, I'd have to find someone with some political street cred, some gravitas. I needed a political heavyweight. Just as I was about to call Oprah, I spied Barack Obama in front of the local mosque. "Mr. President, what do YOU think is the overall opinion of the great people in the State of California of their sons and daughters being in Iraq and Afghanistan?" He stood tall and looked me straight in the eye (which is how I knew he was telling the truth). He replied, "That is the true genius of America, a faith in the simple dreams of its people, the insistence on small miracles. That we can say what we think, write what we think, without hearing a sudden knock on the door. That we can have an idea and start our own business without paying a bribe or hiring somebody's son. That we can participate in the political process without fear of retribution, and that our votes will be counted -- or at least, most of the time." People on the sidewalk started to clap and then I realized that he hadn't answered my question. I tried again, "Mr. President, with all due respect Sir, you didn't answer my question. What do YOU think is the overall opinion of the great people in the State of California of their sons and daughters being in Iraq and Afghanistan?" Once again, he squared his shoulders, and looked me STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, making me wonder if my eyes look like teleprompters. He replied, "America is a land of big dreamers and big hopes. It is this hope that has sustained us through revolution and civil war, depression and world war, a struggle for civil and social rights and the brink of nuclear crisis. And it is because our dreamers dreamed that we have emerged from each challenge more united, more prosperous, and more admired than before... YES. WE. CAN." At this point, the sidewalk assembly has grown and everyone was crying. Unlike our current administration, I know when a fight is over, I know when to leave the ring. Actually, I know better than to climb in the ring in the first place, if it ain't my fight. I put my tape recorder away. I just love talking to Americans. The End.
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