Today is Wednesday. For some people, that signifies the mid-week hump. For me, it is the day my friend Christina and I hang out and have adventures. Our day usually involves a lot of coffee, a lot of shopping, perhaps a road trip to Beverly Hills, or a redecorating project. Today though, was GIRLZ SPA DAY. Christina loves the whole manicure, pedicure, facial, massage thing, and this day was entirely her brainchild. She always goes along with my hare brained ideas for our Adventure Day, so I decided to be open minded about the spa thing. However, you must know this about The Mama: I hate the very notion of being forced to relax in a spa setting. It is completely against every nerve ending that I have. I did it once -- the facial, the massage, mani/pedi. While the rest of our group came out gushing over how "relaxed and refreshed and 'cooked noodley'" that they were, I was AWWWWWWKKKKK!!!!!! traumatized. How can you feel "cooked noodley" after being tortured naked for two hours? I found nothing even remotely pleasant about the experience and vowed to never repeat it on purpose. I was so conflicted about the whole thing. "Feel the fear and do it anyway," I repeated. We booked a less invasive facial and a paraffin hand treatment, which I felt I could tolerate without the benefit of pharmaceutical bolstering. Of we went for Christina and Sue's Most Excellent Adventure.
My first mistake, I believe, was the seven cups of supreme, high octane coffee that I drank at Christina's before we left the house for our appointment. Her husband, Jason, makes the best cuppa joe in the world and always brews a pot for me on Wednesdays. I'd had a bad coffee experience earlier in the day at my house, which the term "dark crude" would describe, so I wasn't holding back on Jason's primo java. Consequently, as we entered the spa, I was totally freakin' wired. As we entered into the inner sanctum of the spa, we were immediately enveloped into the whispering candlelight and intense silence reminiscent of a Benedictine Monastery. Odd enough, but I was bouncing off the ceiling in a caffeine induced frenzy. I was talking a mile a minute and scratching my skin like a crack whore. What? RELAX? WHO, ME? QUIET, STAY STILL, WHO ME???? I knew right then that I was in big trouble. I knew right then that I was in big trouble. Trouble, trouble, trouble. MyMindWouldn'tStopRacingAndThey'dHaveToStraitJacketMyHyperASSIfTheyThought forOneMinuteI'dBeAbletoLayStill. One and two and three, deep breaths now, you can do this.O-K-E-Y-Y-Y-Y now. That's better. I'm ok....
Robe on, slippers on, more deep breathing. It helped that we were immediately directed to the "meditation room." It was something straight out of a Jackie Chan movie. Rice paper walls, bamboo, water trickling, candlelight flickering, chinese antiques every where -- if this wasn't an adrenaline drain, I don't have one. I stretched out on a leather recliner with a heated cashmere blanket, waiting for what was to come next. I was just hoping it didn't involve a SheMale named "Olga". Just as I was beginning to find my Chi, I heard a soft voice whisper, "Sue?" "AWWWWWWKKK!! WHAT THE F@#*!! I shot out of the chair like I was blasted out of a cannon. With heart palpitations threatening to end my life immediately, I sized up the Zen Master who was hovering over me. She was just a tiny little thing, not threatening at all. I like to think that I relaxed and didn't feel quite so "lamb-to-the-slaughter." Silently, she led me down a long, dark, candle lined hallway into the Zen Cave. I believe that Buddha himself was birthed there; silently birthed underwater by an appropriately mute chinese midwife. Hand motions indicated that I was to take off my robe and slippers and get under the heated blankets. HUH? I was thinking, "And you need me naked because WHY? for a facial and hand thingAmaBob?" That must have been when the mind control took hold, because I obediently did as I was commanded.
Everything was fine at first. She slathered smelly Peppermint goop on my face and then wiped it off. Then it was yummy Butterscotch goop, which I had only half licked off before she wiped the rest off with a hot, wet towel. Then she started rubbing my face with sugar, and I was SO diggin' this. I wondered, "what's next, ice cream and a cherry?" She still hadn't spoken a word up to this point, but I was beginning to relax when I felt something blowing on my face. DON'T TELL ME THERE'S A WHIPPED CREAM MACHINE!!! I opened my eyes briefly and was horrified by what I saw. There were two scary looking wands on metal stands, blowing steam or SHUT UP, maybe poison gas, towards my face! How could she be making me dessert one minute, and gassing me the next? I waited to be overcome by the fumes, and when I didn't die, I finally figured out that it was just a steam machine. How silly was I, thinking she was trying to snuff me out? That was so ridiculous of me. I have SUCH a fertile imagination at times. Sigh...relax, relax, relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
I'm not sure which is worse, eyes opened or closed in such a situation. Figuring that ignorance is bliss, I opted for the oblivion that darkness might bring. A false sense of security is better than none at all. Next thing I knew, a bright light was eating through my closed eyelids. OMG. I'D READ ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING! They shine a bright light in your eyes and squeeze out all your secrets. No freakin' WAY was I opening my eyes. I was seeing red spots through my eyelids and was planning my escape route when Little Olga finally broke the silence: "You vont I perform exTRACTshuns?" HUH? She was straight out of central casting with this german accent. I wasn't quite sure what extractions she had in mind, since I don't have pimples, but I got brave and opened one eye. There she was, hovering overhead, staring into my eyeball. In my mind's eye, I had pictured a surgical mask under a set of devious eyes. I had pictured a large hypodermic needle glistening in her gloved hand, maniacal laughter in the background. In reality, it was just Little Olga, silently waiting, with a cotton ball in each hand. I managed to squeak out a "yeah, sure, whatever you vont..." The next thing I know she was squeezing my nose with all her strength. I couldn't breathe! Jesus. She was was trying to suffocate me! No way was I going to open my mouth to breathe, I'm not stupid. That is how they get prisoners to open their mouths for the water boarding torture -- they squeeze their noses! Just as I was about to pass out from lack of oxygen, she loosened her grip. She probably thought I was dead. Round One to The Mama. "You vont, I should do hydration treatment?" I KNEW IT! HYDRATION TREATMENT IS CODE FOR WATER TORTURE!! I remained calm. "No, " I squeaked. "just the the facial and the paraffin hand thing."
Let me say this about the "paraffin hand thing". I have never heard of such a thing, but Christina told me I should do it, and I trust her. Isn't a paraffin a large nosed bird that lives in Newfoundland? Maybe this hand treatment involved meditation and soft paraffin feathers massaging your skin. After Little Olga seared my face with flaming hot towels, (another failed attempt to kill me) she announced, "I vill prepare zee hond tleetment now, Da?" I heard the rustling of plastic and felt her approach, lifting my hand up and then it happened -- she plunged my hand into a bag of hot wax! I swear to you now, I jolted three inches off the goddamned table. She was freakin' trying to boil me in hot oil, one body part at a time. I felt my other hand being plunged into the second bag, and that is when I knew I had to make my escape. I bolted upright, and pulled my hands from the boiling oil. I threw the hot towel onto Olga's face (how do you like THAT, Nazi Bitch?) and grabbed for my robe. I ran down the darkened hall towards the meditation room with hardened wax hanging off my fingertips.
As I entered the Meditation/Survivor's lounge, I found Christina blissfully lounging in the leather recliner, sipping cucumber flavored water. "Wasn't that amazing?" she said sleepily. "I wish I could come here every day...how'd it go for you?" Feeling victorious over death, I said, "I can honestly say I've never had an experience like that. I just feel all cooked noodley."
On the way out, Christina booked us both appointments for next Wednesday, and then we went to Starbucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment