The Grinch is alive and well and working at CBS this year!!!! I know this for a fact because we were watching "The Amazing Race" last night and saw him doing a commercial. "...With The Mama in her 'kerchief, and Mike in his cap, we had just settled down for a long winter's nap..." This commercial was a public service announcement and it showed a handsome, serious, young man, looking intently into the camera, telling the masses that the best thing you could get for your woman for Christmas this year is: drum roll here -- a Pap Test!!! HUH? Like THAT will get ya laid. Are you fucking kidding me? I had a mammogram for my birthday and now they are advertising pap tests for Christmas? I'm not making this up. This was an Honest-Ta-Gawd commercial on primetime network television.
I can see it all now. Men everywhere are scrambling to return the Tiffany Jewellry and the Hermes Birkin bags that they bought for their ladies. Can you hear the conversation now between Buddy Dude and the Mercedes salesman, "Yeah, this is Buddy Dude in Huntington Beach. I ordered the white Mercedes 500 "S" Class Coupe for my wife for Christmas and you were going to deliver it to the driveway with a giant red bow on top? Yeah, well, cancel that. I got her a Pap Test instead...." Can you spell "hand me the clever, Beaver, I'm going to cut my husband's nuts off!" I'm sure the Dr. Georgios Papanikolaou, for whom the test was named, is rollin' in his grave over this one. This type of marital discord was most certainly not his intention when he developed this most violating of "female type stuff" tests.
So for all you men who saw the commercial last night and thought, "Why yes, that is exactly what my wife needs. She has enough 3+ carat, GIA certified FI-IF flawless diamonds. She can't take THOSE with her when she dies a painful death from Cervical Cancer. I'm going to give her THE GIFT OF LIFE!!!, I'M GOING TO GIVE HER A PAP TEST FOR CHRISTMAS" Shoot me now. Spoken like a man who has never been forced to lay down naked on a cold steel table with his legs in stirrups. Do you actually KNOW what they do to you in a Pap Test, clueless husband of mine? Once they have you strapped down to said cold table with legs in stirrups, they remove a large metal object from the freezer and shove it up your Hootie! Without buying you dinner first! Yup. Swear-Ta-Gawd. Then they reach inside with a 16 inch barbecue skewer and scratch your inner Girly Bits with it. My inner Girly Bits don't GET itchy, thankYouVeryFuckingMuch, and if they ever do, the Kama Sutra lists dozens of ways to get your "itch" scratched, none of which involve a barbecue skewer shoved up the Lady HOO HAW.
Don't miss my point here. I think Cervical Cancer is a serious matter and I'm thrilled that there is a government agency out there that stays awake at night worrying about it. So much so that they would release a prime time, network commercial touting the importance of it all, but really? REALLY? Let me state publicly now: I'd better wake up Christmas morning and find a nicely wrapped Canon lens under my tree: 14mm, Wide Angle, L Series optics, with an ultra sonic motor and 2.8 aperature. If instead I find an appointment with Dr. MagicFingers, OBGYN, M.D., I won't be responsible for my actions and my Big Ass cleaver was just sharpened for when we killed the fatted turkey for Thanksgiving, so I'm just sayin'.
Anyhoo, that's all I have to say about that. I'm outta here. I have to call Mike's doctor. I'm giving him a Colonoscopy for Father's Day.
Pap Test for the Wife: $250
Tiffany Silver Key Necklace for the Wife: $500
Canon 14mm lens for the Wife: $2199
A good nights sleep with no cleaver in sight: Priceless
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