HO HO HO

2008 has not been a banner year in the Cassidy household. Everyone has their "stuff" and everyone has their own methods of dealing with it. Personally, as I have lived a long, long, long fifty years, I have endured many trials and tribulations and have figured out a variety of coping mechanisms that have worked for me. For example, denial. Denial is underrated as a coping mechanism and i'd highly recommend it to anyone. I know some rely on the "power of prayer" to cope with their stuff. Novenas to St. Jude were never quite my thing, but I did pick up some Holy Water on a recent trip to the Middle East where at the Jordan River they were selling water taken from the river where Jesus was baptized. I tried it, but it didn't really work. Perhaps I should have mixed it with Gin instead of vodka, I don't know, but the religious route clearly wasn't for the heathen likes o' me.

Friends who believe in "better living through chemistry", have suggested that I take a more pharmaceutical approach to coping with life's stressful times. Well that IS a thought, but I can't see me making the rounds of the Pharmacies in town, with prescriptions bought over the internet, or obtained from a fleet of local doctors whom I've blackmailed with illicit photos from their company Christmas parties. Seems like too much work to me, just to score a bit of valium.

So I've finally decided how on a multi dimensional coping mechanism that has the potential for lots of positive spin off. I'm going to start smoking crack. I never thought of it before because I've never done illegal drugs before, not even marijuanna, and I think it is brilliant. I'll find me a cocaine dealer through my local Mother's Club and I can cook my own crack. Martha Stewart has a recipe on her website for crack that she colors with red dye no. 4 and shapes into snowflakes. In preparation for smoking homegrown crack, I've started smoking Marlborough Lights, but some days I forget to smoke, so I'll have to work on that. Smoking crack will make me forget all my "stuff", my "issues." It will make me skinny. Living in Orange County, the land of scrawny Social X-rays, that is a benefit not to be laughed at. It will give me tons of energy. I will go to work at 6 am, work till 10 pm and still have the mojo to clean my toilet with a toothbrush at 4 am. It might make me scratch a lot and have the wizened, snaggle toothed, wild eyed look of a rode-hard-and-put-away-wet crack ho, that sure beats the baggy eyed, tired look of a soccer mom with a misspent youth and sun spots on her face.

As for the potential spin offs I spoke about? I'm seeing a t-shirt line, bejewelled with things like "I heart my Crack Whore", or "Will work for Crack" "Crack Princess", or for my husband, "I'm with the Crack Whore" with an arrow pointing left. Bumper stickers might be a great add on to the line, "I brake for Crack Whores" or "Honk if you love Crack Whores."

So that's my idea. What do you think? I'm going to give it some serious consideration and in the meantime, I'm off to Home Depot for poppy seeds. I hear there's serenity to be found in the opium trade.

Your friendly neighborhood Crack Whore in training, sue