I think I must be a "hater". I hate to think that, ironically, but it's the only conclusion I have come to when I think about all the little things that bug me to the point of exhaustion. In the new year, I've resolved to only hate things one at a time, so today I'm concentrating on WORDS. I have decided that when I am The Boss of the World, people who misuse and mispronounce common words will be punished in cruel and unusual ways. In no particular order, allow me outline some of the most agregious errors which we tragically all encounter in our everyday communications...
Are You Smarter Than a Fith Grader? Shoot me now. This is one of the worst because it is so unnecessary. It is not difficult to pronounce the second "f" in fiFth, so just do it, would you? You sound like a firth grader when you mispronounce that word.
My grandmother has altimers disease. What is THAT? This insidious, most terrible geriatric disease of all time is not "altimers", it is Alzheimers. There is no "t" in Alzheimers. Repeat that. There is no "t" in Alzheimers. Alzheimers, Alzheimers, Alzheimers. Yeah, I know your memory isn't very good any more, and you could hide your own Easter Eggs, but you do NOT have Alzheimers yet, so remember how to pronounce it.
Irregardless of what you think, I am a smart person. People! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Do you realize that when you misuse words to the the point that everyone accepts it, it will show up in the latest dictionary as an acceptable variant usage, and then when the NEXT dictionary edition after that comes out, it will be the primary usage, and so it goes. I'ved studied linguistics and etymology, so I know that of which I speak. UGH. I am old and a bit of a curmudgeon and don't tolerate change very well, so please help me out here. Irregardless of whether you think I'm smart or stupid.
Unfortunately, air travel in the USA has changed since 911. Get with the program, kids. Since September 11, 2001, it has been generally accepted that the correct pronunciation for that fateful day is "nine-eleven", OK? "Nine-one-one" is the number you call when some snaggle toothed old bitch is trying to pummel you with a sock full of rocks, just because of some perceived semantic error you may have made while talking to yourself in the shower.
To you, The American People who are in harm's way....The final bug up my etymological ass is especially appropriate for when I Am The Boss of The World. I pledge to you, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, to stop using the phrases, "The American People" and "in harm's way" when I make my State of the Union addresses. Why, oh why, must politicians grab on to a phrase and then, like a dog on a bone, refuse to let it go? Really, all you verbose politicians, you CAN say "Americans", or "people", or get a thesaurus and learn a new word, but stop saying "The American People" this and "The American People" that. Stop it. When I am The Boss of The World, I spit on your mother's moustache! You will be "in harm's way", or how about just regular old "danger", if you continue to overuse words and phrases in this manner.
Those are just a few of the linguistic travesties that send my blood pressure into orbit. There are many more, but "I literally died" the last time I tried to write them all down, it was so overwhelming. I"m feeling faint from all the hate, so I'm going to take a bath now and then I'm taking to my bed. I shall use this time of reflection to conjure up goodness and light and proper pronunciation for when I Am The Boss of The World. Alex, my adorable, little munchkin, would you fill the bathtub up with gin for Mommy, and hold the olives....
Sue Cassidy
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